


I've Never Been Okay, Dean.

by itsokdean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Cutting, Depression, F/M, Self Harm, Thoughts of Suicide, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-24 23:23:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1620704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsokdean/pseuds/itsokdean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fighting alongside the Winchesters, you're fulfilling  your duty to slay demons, save people, and rescue the world from the impending apocalypse. Can you keep from letting your emotions and your mental illness getting in the way of your mission?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shower Hog

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This work was written to help me deal with issues I'm either currently dealing with or issues I have had in the past. There will be mentions of CUTTING, SELF HARM, VIOLENCE, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, and THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE. If any of these topics trigger you, proceed with caution. <3

     Water gently landed on my scalp, running down the length of my body and down the shower drain, along with my blood and tears.  It really was the only time I could do it without anyone taking notice, it seemed like I was constantly accompanied by those men. I knew they were there to protect me, I just wish I could be honest with them about being so depressed, about the anxiety attacks at night, about drawing blades against my skin in self-hate. They thought their job was to protect me, but really I was doing most of the protecting. If they knew, well, I didn’t know what would happen then. I didn’t know what they would do, how they would act.  It was all up in the air from that point, but it would never make it to that point. I would make sure of it.

          I thought about last week’s events. The first time I had set my eyes upon Dean, how everything came back to me, it was almost like I had…

          _Bang bang._ “Hey, would you mind hurrying up, I’d like to clean off this caked dirt and, ya know, _blood_ off of my body,” Sam hollered.

          _Please, don’t say blood._ I thought as I was torn out of my daze.

Losing track of time was my specialty. Getting sucked into the deep dark hole of empty thought was almost better than facing it, head on, it seemed. Turning the shower knob, I gingerly stepped onto the cold tile, reaching for a towel and wrapping it around me, taking care to not let it lie flat against my still bleeding upper stomach. “I’m almost done!”

          I wrapped some toilet paper around my fist and laid it against my cut, then wrapping the towel more secure around my body.

          “Hey, sorry,” I apologized, emerging from the steaming bathroom, “I was, uhh, thinking, I guess.”

          Sam chuckled. “Hey it’s cool. Gimme ten, Dean,” he hollered, throwing it back at his brother, lying on one of the motel beds.

          “Yeah, don’t be too long, Sammy,” Dean retorted.

          Holding the toilet paper in place, I dug through my bag in search of some relatively fresh clothes. Shifting my towel, I winced as the fibers rubbed against my fresh wound. “What’s up with your stomach? You hurt?” Dean asked, sitting up.

          “No!” I shot back quickly, immediately regretting my haste. “I mean, it’s nothing to really worry about, just, uhh, trying to hold my towel up!”

          Lifting his eyebrows, he looked at me skeptically, then laid back down. “Whatever, you know where we keep the first aid kit.”

          “Why in the world would I need that?” I shot back, once again regretting that I ever did.

          Dean paused for a moment. “Well, that’s where we keep the Advil at.”

          I gave him a questioning look.

          “Ya know,” he continued, “for your, uhh, _woman-y_ issues.” He chuckled.

          “T-that’s not what it’s for!” I could feel my face reddening with anger. “You always play that card. You’re such a man, honestly. Why must you have to act like such a pig??”

          “Well, when you put it like that, then it’s kind of obvious something goin’ on, uhh, down there, now isn’t it?” he flashed me a smile.

          _Piss off,_ I thought as I mentally shot arrows in his eyes. 

          I turned my back to him and continued to dig through my bag, listening to the bed springs compress and decompress as Dean stood up and laid his hand on my shoulder. “Hey, I’m sorry.”

          “I thought it wasn’t in your nature to apologize,” I replied coldly, remembering last week’s events.

          I walked off without another word into the other room, kicking the door closed with my heel.


	2. Memories Hurt More Than Wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I teared up while writing this, and I was listening to really dramatic music, which might be why everyone's such a drama queen in this chapter. :) <3

          Dressed completely, I unwrapped the towel around my unconditioned hair and began brushing out the knots. I figured saving the world from the impending apocalypse would have me compromising good looks sooner or later, so I disregarded the unrepairable damage I was doing to my ends.

          I caught my own gaze in the mirror and studied myself. No one had green eyes like I did. They weren’t candy apple like Dean’s, but they weren’t brownish like everyone else’s. They were mine. Tired, worn, swollen from my “allergies” (I was honestly a crying mess, Sam and Dean would never know), and had seen many sights.

          ***

It was only a week ago the boys had picked me up, after my eyes witnessed the worst sight of my many.

          My feet pounded the forest floor, in sync with my younger brother’s. My muscles cramped, oxygen felt like poison in my lungs, it hurt so much. My energy came from pure adrenaline.

          _We have to get away, I can’t let him take my brother away from me. Just keep going. One foot in front of the other, keep…_

An ear piercing cry broke my train of thought and my stride. My muscles screamed as I did, watching my brother get stabbed right before my very eyes.

          “No! Y-you bastard!” I pulled my knife out of my boot and ran towards the yellow-eyed demon, slashing at his arm. Moving out of the way, he wrapped his hand around my neck, using one arm to suspend me in the air.

          I was choking, his fingers were ice cold. His eyes pierced through my skin, they burned. “Don’t get in my way, sweetie,” he hissed.

          Kicking my legs wildly, he threw me down as two men emerged from behind. They pulled out guns just as a black mass exited the man’s body, now falling limp on the ground.

          “Dammit,” I heard one of them say. A tall man, whom I later learned was named Sam, ran up to me. He looked concerned and picked me up, helping me stand. “Are  you okay?”

          “I-I.. I think I’m fine.. I don’t know. What was that?” I stammered through tears. “W-where’s my brother?” I glanced over ten feet from where I stood, seeing a bleeding body, once holding the life of my brother. “N-no. Why?”

          “That doesn’t matter, what did he want with you?” The other man asked.

          _Are you kidding me?_ I thought. “Who cares, my brother’s gone!” I choked through tears.

          “Dean, seriously, have some sympathy,” Sam retorted.

          “Excuse me for not being apologetic towards her. I’m not worried about her. I’m worried about finding that son of a bitch and avenging dad, alright?”

          Sam hugged me. “It’s gonna be alright okay? Pay no mind to him, he’s going through a hard time right now. It looks like we all are. Do you have anywhere to go?

          I wanted to believe him so badly. Everything was going to be alright? I wasn’t so sure. I explained how I, with the assistance of my now deceased brother, had been fighting the demon as well for killing some of our family.

          “Come along with us then, help us hunt this demon down,” Sam offered.

          “No, she’s not coming along. We don’t need her,” Dean said, shutting Sam down.

          “I’ll come along,” I agreed.  Walking up to Dean, I gathered all the courage I could muster. “And you can’t do anything to stop me. I don’t know what you have against me, or what I did to you, but.. I’m coming along. I’m sorry about your dad, but you have no reason to treat me the way you did. We’re all going through a rough time. You barely even know me and you’re acting so cruel. Why?” I choked back more tears as I stared into his eyes.

          He stared back, his eyes glistening with tears. _What was with this guy? What’s with the tough guy act?_

          “Whatever,” he replied coldly, turning and walking away.

          My heart sank. _Why? I barely even knew him? Yet, there was something about him._

_Why was he so bitter? Why was he.._

          ***

          The door clicked as Sam poked his wet head through. “You ready? We’re gonna head out.. what’s wrong?”

         


	3. Almost Road Kill

          “What?  Nothing’s wrong!” I argued. _More like lied._

          “I’m sorry, I don’t believe you. It’s Dean, isn’t it? Look, I know he comes off as a total ass sometimes, but..”

          “No,” I cut Sam off. “It’s not just Dean. I mean, yeah some of it is. He’s a jerk. But, just, everything. Why did my brother have to die? Why is this demon after me, after you guys, what’s his deal? Will this be the rest of my life?”

          Sam was silent, his face showing sympathy. “Look, I don’t know. Dean and I are killing this demon because he killed our father, and you’re after him because he killed your brother. That’s really all we know at this point. We’re just as confused as you are.”

          I sniffled. My life shouldn’t have come to this. I should just be doing odd jobs here and there; killing Wendigos or exorcising demons, exterminating monsters with my brothers, not working with these complete strangers to slay a son of a bitch yellow-eyed demon.

          “I’ll give you some time, we’re gonna leave in a few minutes. Get packed up and ready to go, okay?” he left after giving me a quick hug and a reassuring pat on the back.

          I glanced in the mirror once the door shut behind him. My eyes, once again, were swollen and red from neglecting sleep and my random crying fits.

          Gathering my hairbrush and dirty clothes on the floor, I heard Sam and Dean going at it, once again. If you couldn’t already tell they were brothers by looking at them, you could sure tell by the way they fought.

          The noise stopped with a defiant “GO!” by Sam and my door creaking open. Dean stepped through and closed the door with a _click._ I turned my back to him and continued gathering my things.

          Dean sighed. “Come on, I know you already saw me come in. Don’t be like that.”

          Continuing to ignore him, I threw all my belongings in my bag, zipped it up, and began to leave with the bag thrown over my shoulder. Dean stepped in front of me, grabbing my arm.

          “Let go of me!” I screamed.

          “Do you have to be such a child?” Dean spat.

          I was fuming. “Look, I have absolutely NO intention of talking to you, Dean. You know what you are? A dick. A mean, unsympathetic, egotistical, big-headed, dick! Dammit, I don’t even know what I did to you. I didn’t ask to be chasing the same demon as you, and I sure as hell didn’t ask to be chasing the demon along with you.”

          “I don’t give a shit if you think I’m a dick. I think you’re a baby! And I sure as HELL did not want this hunting trip to turn into BABYsitting, yet here I am!” Dean retorted.

“Dean, I told you to apologize!”  Sam’s muffled voice came through the door.

“Yeah, well he can save his breath!” I screamed back, pushing Dean out of the way and throwing the door open. Sam stood there, shocked. I grew silent, embarrassed by what just happened. “I’ll be in the car,” I mumbled.

          The car ride was silent to Rhode Island, where we suspected the demon would be heading to. I was completely invested into my book while Sam snoozed in the front seat. The one good thing about Dean was that he was a very smooth driver, perfect for a person like me who tended to get carsick easily.

          The Impala came to a screeching halt as a disheveled woman jumped out from the brush, crying and covered in blood. Sam awoke and my book flew and hit the dashboard. “Everyone okay?” Dean asked.

          “What.. who is that? She’s bleeding!” I screamed, jumping out of the car. Grabbing the woman’s hand, I helped her sit on the side of the road to get off of her mangled ankle.

          “We gotta call an ambulance,” Sam announced, opening his phone.

          “Ma’am, we’re gonna get you some help, okay?” I coaxed, trying to relax her. “What happened?” I questioned.

          Sam walked away, talking to the police. Dean crouched down with me, asking the woman the same question I did. “Please, we need to know to be able to help you, alright? You can tell us, we’re cops too,” he added, flashing his faux FBI badge.

          “J-j-ust t-these, these, y-yellow.. yellow eyes,” the woman stammered.

          I froze, unable to breathe at what the woman had just sputtered out.

          _The demon._


	4. Wrapped in our Impulses

          Sirens screeched as the ambulance pulled away from the site. 

          A young police man stayed behind to talk to us. “So, uhm, FBI?”

          We flashed our badges.

          “Ahh, alright. Well, it’s a good thing you guys were here. I can’t believe someone would do that to a woman, beat her and abandon her on a road in the middle of nowhere. What an awful boyfriend.”

          I had to hold back a snicker. Sam’s fictional scenario he had the woman use to cover up her practically unbelievable supernatural run-in was genius. Of course, until they investigate further into it and find out the truth, but we should be long gone by then.

          The cop pulled away and left us with the Impala and a demon infested section of woods to explore. “Well, let’s get started,” Dean said, clapping his hands together.

          “Maybe we should wait a little bit, instead of jumping to the gun, Dean,” Sam tried to reason. “I mean, that woman had nothing to do with, well, anything, and he went after her! I just don’t think it’s very safe for us.”

          I agreed with Sam. Despite my own personal reasons (fear, uncertainty, etc.), I thought it would’ve been a bit rambunctious to go after the yellow eyed demon now.

          “So we’re just gonna let him get away, is that what you’re saying Sammy?” Dean argued. He looked over at my uncertain face. “Oh, come on! Don’t tell me you agree with him!”

          “I…” I began.

          “Whatever, I’ll just go in by myself then,” Dean settled.

          “No!” I fought back. _Oh come on, why do you even care_ , I thought to myself. “I mean, I’ll come with you. You’re not going alone.” I can’t believe I had just volunteered to go hunt out this demon.

          “No, nobody’s going. You’re nuts, Dean, this is suicide,” Sam yelled. Dean looked away. “Look, lets just go back and get a little more information first, figure out a plan of attack.”

          “I can’t just let him kill more people out here, Sam!” Dean screamed.

          “Dean, what are we going to do? We have her, too!” Sam pointed to me. “It’s not just us anymore! What’s she going to do if something happens to us?”

          Dean glanced at me then laughed. “Are you serious,” he stated, looking back at Sam. “You’re really gonna let this brat get in the way of us..”

          “DEAN,” Sam retorted.

          I felt a lump in my throat build up as tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I wanted to scream at him, but I couldn’t open my mouth. I felt paralyzed with anger and pain, and the thought of throwing a wrench into things, it was overwhelming. I dropped my weapon and turned around, walking back to the Impala silently.

          The ride back to the motel, however, wasn’t silent at all. Sam and Dean constantly fought; about me, about the demon, about why Dean always had to drive. I was sick of it. I stared out the window, physically feeling no emotion leaving my body. I just wanted to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a tad short. However, some ideas are coming, so there should be more updates here to come! Thank you all for reading! <3 :)


	5. It's Done

          Dean didn’t apologize. In fact, he did the complete opposite. Instead of showing remorse and regret with how he treated me, he wouldn’t even look or talk to me. I was completely ignored.

          Sam, on the other hand, wouldn’t leave me alone. “Would you like something to eat?” he’d ask. “Are you sure you’re okay? I know Dean can be a jerk but he probably doesn’t mean anything by it”. “You can take the first shower if you’d like”.

          I responded with a reassuring smile after every attempt he threw at me. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything more, especially talk, in fear my voice would crack and Dean would laugh at me.

          _I don’t get it,_ I thought. _I never did anything to him, why is he so bitter towards me?_

A few hours later, after Sam’s brain was full of all the research it could hold and Dean was done sharpening his weapons, they dozed off and fell asleep. I decided that I was sick of being in the motel with them, so I grabbed a blanket, a pillow, and my hunting knife, just in case, and headed out into the Impala.

          I held my breath while I pulled at the back seat door’s handle. _Click._ The car was unlocked. I tossed my pillow on the opposite side of the car and entered, head first. Closing the door, pulled the blanket on the seat, underneath my body, and folded it over me. Laying down, I thought what their hunt would be like if I hadn’t been there. Probably done by now, that’s for sure. I felt tears touch the hairlines just above my ears, and I realized, once again, I was crying.

          I was done with everything. These past few weeks had been hell, I didn’t see anything getting any better. I was gonna die sooner or later, why would it matter if it was sooner?

          Pulling the knife out of my pant leg, I lined it up with the veins in my wrist, the way I had done many times before, but this time, it would be deeper. I would bleed to death this time.

          I held my breath, applied pressure, and quickly dragged the knife down my arm, releasing copious amounts of blood. I smiled through tears. It was finally over. Dean wouldn’t have to deal with me ever again. Neither would anyone, for that matter.

          In a matter of minutes, I passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry guys, it's not over ;) There's still so much more to come! Thanks so far for the wonderful response here so far! <3


	6. Tumbling Down

          A low vibration made its way through my body and startled me awake. My stomach felt like it was trying to escape my body through my throat, I wanted to puke so badly. I lifted my hand to my aching head, smelling the metallic scent of my own blood. I was caked in it. Dizziness shook my head as I attempted to sit up. When I discovered I was wedged between two things in the dark and wasn’t’ able to move, I began to panic.

          I screamed.

          As well as someone else.

          “What the hell!”

          I was thrown to the side, dislodged from my confinement, against the door of the Impala. I hit the ceiling, the floor, the console, the ceiling again, and another body who was still screaming, until…

          _Splash!_

          ```

          I awoke, lifted in the air. The sensation didn’t last long as I was thrown onto the stony ground, knocking the air out of my stomach. I heard gasping beside me, almost as if the person was trying to catch their breath as I was.

          I closed my eyes. I didn’t dare reach over to see who was next to me; it could have been anything: a demon, some sort of monster, or...

          “Way to almost get us both killed, you brat,” Dean gasped.

          My eyes shot open. It couldn’t be.

          “W-what happened?” was all I could say.

          “What happened?” Dean coughed a few times before spitting on the ground, sitting up, wincing with pain. “I was on my way to kill this yellow-eyed bitch, when all of the sudden, you pop up in the back of my car, scaring me to death and sending us down a hill into a river,” Dean stated coldly.

          “I’m sorry..” I muttered.

          “Sorry?! My car is destroyed and was thrown somewhere, I have no idea where! We’re out in the middle of nowhere, my legs are screwed from the accident, and our weapons are nowhere to be found, JUST LIKE MY CAR.”

          Tears welled up in my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I choked.

          “Save it, I couldn’t care less. And quit your crying already.”

          My stomach dropped, my hands went numb. I was so hurt. I put my hands under me to support myself and stood up. “L-listen here, Dean.” I wanted to throw up, I hated confrontation. I opened my mouth, but no words came out, no matter how hard I tried.  I fell to my knees, coughing and vomiting. I mustered enough strength and took a breath. “What did I do to you, Dean?”

          “Save the dramatic crap okay?” Dean retorted.

          “No!” I jumped up and shoved him down, sitting on him and grasping his collar on his jacket. “I am so sick of feeling like a worthless, stupid, BRAT, because of you. Now tell me what I did to you that was so awful that you have to make me feel like I don’t deserve to live.”

          Dean’s face grew solemn, and I dropped his collar from my grasp.

          _Like I don’t deserve to live._

          I glanced down at my wrist. The cut was there, caked in blood and turning black from possible infection.

          _It didn’t work._

          As I began to cry, Dean grabbed my wrist and turned it towards him, his eyes growing wide at the sight.

          His mouth opened slightly and his eyebrows furrowed, then relaxed as his eyes met mine. “Wait a minute.” He pulled me closer and began to lift up my shirt, eyeing the cut on my upper stomach I had made yesterday morning.

          His fingers traced the wound and I winced, causing his hand to pull away quickly. His eyes met mine, and for the first time, I saw sympathy, not hunger for power and revenge.

          “I-I didn’t know.”

          “Damn straight you didn’t know! Neither did you care, huh?” I screamed through tears.

          “Not necessarily,” Dean whispered.

          “What do you mean?” I asked, almost shocked. _He cared?_

          “Please, just hear me out, then I promise, you can yell at me and scream and hit me all you want, I was wrong. Just, please, let me explain.”


	7. Truth

          “Trust me,” Dean started, “I was fully aware of the awful way I was treating you. And it wasn’t right, by any means.” He paused.

          I sniffled, leaning back against the embankment, still soaked from the accident. Dean sat right next to me, glancing at the trees above, dark and still. I stayed silent, waiting for him to begin speaking again.

          After a few minutes, Dean spoke up. “I’m just like my father, you know? And don’t you ever tell anyone I said that, because I’ll never admit it to anyone. It’s not something to be proud of.”

          I hadn’t heard much about their dad. I only knew that he was after the same demon that we were, and had died in the process.

          “I crave revenge, just as he did. Sometimes, that blinds me. I don’t notice what’s going on around me, I’m so focused on ganking this bitch.” Dean took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “The thing is, I lost my mother and my father to him. I can’t lose anyone else. It scares me to death to think that I might not be able to save even my own brother, I couldn’t save my parents.”

          “Dean, that’s not your responsibility. There wasn’t anything you could do,” I spoke, my voice raspy. I felt tears well up in my eyes, I knew what he felt all too well. The responsibility I took on of taking care of my parents and protecting them before the yellow eyed demon took them from me as well. Then my brother, only to see him die in front of me. I knew exactly what Dean felt.

          “But you are. You’re now our responsibility.”

          “Dean, I can take care of myself you know!” I yelled back, regretting I ever did, seeing Dean’s eyes glisten with tears.

          “I cannot lose another person. I can’t stand the thought of people dying, especially if I could do something about it.”

          “So, why were you so awful to me, Dean? I quietly asked.

          “I-I didn’t want you to leave us. I’ve actually grown quite fond of you. You’re smart, beautiful, strong…” Dean started.

          I couldn’t believe my ears. Dean? He thought all those things? About me? It wouldn’t be too far from the truth to admit that I had feelings towards him too, but I never thought they would be reciprocated.

          “However,” Dean continued. “I just couldn’t stand to get close to another person that I could possibly lose. I know, it’s disgustingly selfish, but there’s only so much pain I can take before, well, I’m not sure. I’m just so sorry. It was awfully selfish, and it made you cut and try to kill yourself. I’m such an awful person.” Dean began to cry harder, which made me begin to cry harder.

          “Dean, no.” I stated, positioning myself to sit facing him. “Don’t you dare believe that. You are the farthest thing from an awful person.” I grabbed his hand and held it in mine. “Dean, I don’t hate you, and I’m not angry. There are certain things that being selfish about is okay. I would have done the same thing in your position,” I began to sob. “I-I sort of am in y-your position, but obviously we ha-handle these thing d-differently.”  I took my free hand and lifted up my shorts to the side of my hip, which was graced with cuts and gashes of my own decision.  I smiled. “You should feel special, I’ve never shown anyone these.”

          Dean’s fingers met with my scarred skin, gently tracing each one of them, then putting his entire hand over them. He looked up at me, and I saw another tear escape from his eyes. “H-how do these make you feel?” he asked.

          I was thrown off by the question. I had never thought about it. “Well, they make me feel hurt, broken, and really… really ugly I guess.” I admitted.

          Dean let go of my hand and moved his hand to my cheek. “Yes, I understand that you may feel hurt and broken, but you are beautiful. There is not one ugly thing about you.”

          Dean’s green eyes held mine for a moment, a moment I would never forget. I was the one to break that gaze, moving my eyes down to his lips. I saw the ends move up and speak the word “beautiful” right before they met mine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My computer was finally fixed so I could put up another chapter! Yay! Hope you guys like it! This is definitely not the end of the story, sorry to leave you guys on a good note. Update soon! <3


	8. Might As Well Break It More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I haven't updated in so long! I'm sorry, these updates are going to be more regular, I promise. I just had to set this to the side and focus on other things. But here we are with another update. Sorry to leave you hanging again ;)

          “Dean,” I whispered, pulling away, only inches from his face.

          “Hmm?” he muttered, slowly opening his eyes as a smile inched across lips that had just been on mine. “Let me tell you, you are an amazi…”

          The sound I’d heard just moments before came again. “Shh! Do you hear that?” I interrupted, throwing my hand to cover his mouth. I felt a wet sensation across my hand and I quickly pulled it away.

          “What?” Dean snickered.

          “Stop being a child. I’m serious, I hear something,” I said, much too crossly.

          A low, muffled buzzing took away Dean’s smile as he became aware of the peculiar sound. Dean sat up, wincing and drawing his breath in shortly through clamped teeth. I looked at his leg, mangled and the shin piercing through the skin, visible through his ripped pants. Now I knew why he was in so much pain, and I wished I hadn’t seen it. My last meal threatened to make a grand reappearance as the buzzing continued.

          “Over there,” Dean pointed to my left. I turned and looked to see a little light flashing, almost completely buried in vegetation.

          “Dean, it’s your phone! I can’t believe it still works!” I exclaimed, using my arms to drag myself over to grab it. Due to weakness and overbearing pain, it took a lot longer than necessary. The buzzing had stopped momentarily as I flipped it open to see the screen.

          _23 Missed Calls: Sam_

          _So that’s what it was_. I pressed the redial button and held the dirty phone to my ear. It barely rang once before Sam picked it up.

          “Dean! Dean, can you hear me, where are you?” Sam choked out through tears. I felt worse considering the state he was in.

          “Sam, it’s me.”

          “Oh my goodness, I couldn’t find you or Dean anywhere, where are you guys?” Sam still sounded shaky, but more collected.

          “I’m not really sure, but we really need help, Sam.” I began to cry again, knowing that this entire incident was my fault. “I’m sorry, I...” I couldn’t finish before Dean grabbed the phone from me.

          “Sammy…yeah it’s good to hear your voice too. Hey, follow the main road back through the woods, where we were earlier. You’ll probably see a nice chunk of metal taken out of one of the railings, we should be somewhere around there in the woods…yes but it’s fine, she should be fixable. I’ll just need you to do it for me since my leg is pretty messed up…alright thanks Sammy…yeah she’s fine, don’t worry…no I wasn’t being a jerk to h…dude, knock it off…just hurry…yeah bye”. The phone snapped shut and Dean sighed, shaking his head. “Little brothers, I tell you what.”

          I swallowed, wiping the stray tears off my cheeks. “Do you think Sam’s going to be angry?” I asked, sheepishly.

          “Nah,” Dean shook his head. “If anything, the big guy’s pissed at me for being such an ass hat to you. I am very sorry about that.”

          I shrugged. “You already apologized, it’s fine.” I smiled at him, laughing at how dirty his hair was. “You need a shower, Dean.” I laughed.

          Dean threw his head back, a loud roar of laughter emerging from his chest. “Overstatement of the century, sweetheart, don’t you think?”

          I couldn’t keep from blushing due to his pet name, and I was thankful that it was still relatively dark outside. I wondered what time it was. “Hey Dean, what ti…”

          “Guys!” I heard Sam call.

          Another dashing smile spread across Dean’s face. “Sammy, come look at my leg man!”

          Sam’s eyebrows raised expectantly in response to Dean’s request. “That’s pretty gross dude.” At least someone agreed with me.  “So, hey, uhh, where’s the car at?”

          “It’s gotta be somewhere around here, we couldn’t have been flung that far.”

          Sam turned around, scanning the trees.

          “Over there,” Dean pointed to the left of Sam. “Is that it?”

          I stared at it for a few seconds, and the black mass took form of the 1967 Chevy Impala. “It was there the whole time!” I exclaimed. “It doesn’t look too good though.”

          Sam popped open the front, then slamming it shut. He opened the driver’s side and slid in. The engine roared to life. “Nah, it still runs. I think if we can maneuver it through a few hundred feet of trees, there’s a road out over there somewhere. Good thing this forest isn’t too awfully dense.”

          “Sounds like a plan, just get us out of here,” Dean said, pushing himself off the ground.

          “Whoa whoa Dean, stay down, let me help you.” Sam rushed over to him.

          “Nah man I got this.”

          “I said no!” Sam screamed, stomping on Dean’s broken leg. I heard another crack and screamed. Dean winced in pain and turned practically white.

          “W-what the hell Sam!” Dean screamed.

          My stomach dropped as I saw Sam’s eyes flicker yellow. “Oh, it’s not Sam, Dean. It’s me. Nice to see you again.” The yellow eyed demon’s voice rang through Sam’s body as a devious grin played on his face.

          And then his eyes met mine.


	9. Strong Arm

I began to cry, something that happened automatically when I became frightened.  However in this situation, traumatized would be a better word to describe it.  “S-S-Sam, plea...please,” I sobbed.  My chest began to cramp as my muscles cramped, dying for oxygen, but I couldn’t get myself to breathe normally.

The demon illustrated a small chuckle through Sam. “I thought I already made this clear. I’m not Sam,” he screamed, planting his foot square into my chest. I flew back until a fallen tree trunk stopped me. My vision turned black around the edges and I felt the my shoulder and the left side of my head go warm. My head fell front and the warmth moved to my legs. I smelled a metallic scent and didn’t need to look to know I was heavily bleeding.

“D-Dean,” I muttered. I lifted my head up to see Dean passed out a few feet in front of me. Tears fell again. I was going to die, I thought. _I’m going to… I’m going to **die.**_ My mind raced a thousand miles a second as flashbacks of my suicide attempt flooded through. I looked up to see Sam completely missing. I pulled out the knife from my boot and stabbed it into the ground. With my good arm, I pulled myself towards Dean, dragging the entirety of my useless, practically dead body behind. Once I reached him, I looked at his face; pale, white. His chest rose and dipped, he was still breathing.  My hand was almost numb. I threw my hand in Dean’s warm coat pocket and began to cry again.

“Oh, how precious. You’d prefer to die together? You should have told me earlier, I wouldn’t have minded,” the demon snarled.

I began to recite the exorcism. “Exorcizo te, immunde spiritus…”

Sam began to scream. He lunged towards me. Pulling Dean’s flask out of his pocket, I bit  off the top and flung Holy Water at him. Sam’s screams came even louder.  ” …in nomine Dei Patris…” I flung more water towards him as Sam twisted and wrangled himself. “omnipote…” A cloud of black smoke billowed from Sam’s mouth.

Sam looked disoriented as he looked around. Then his eyes laid on Dean and I and his face went pale. He ran towards us, frightened.

“Sam,” I whispered, mustering all the strength I could. “Just get us help.”

Sam opened his phone, pressing a total of four digits, and began to fabricate his story.

“Well I found these two in the woods, they seem to have been jumped. Their legs are broken and one of them is bleeding pretty badly from the head and the other…”

Soon enough, sirens cut their way through the cricket chirps and Sam’s copious apologies over his possession. Telling him that it wasn’t his fault got tiresome after a while, so I just laid back and waited for the EMT’s to come get us.

I felt a sharp pang in my head and screamed.

“It appears to be a lot worse than we thought,” I heard someone say.

Their words began to slowly muffle and string themselves together, and my eyelids felt too heavy to hold up. I felt a tightening sensation around hand. Dean’s voice rung clear as a bell. “Sweetheart, please stay awake.”

I fought drowsiness through the entire ride and felt the ambulance slowly brake as we approached the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come soon ~


	10. Hospital Horror

          My vision was blurred, my ears were muted. All I knew was a feeling of weightlessness. My eyes slowly gained focus on the bed in front of me, a lifeless body hooked up to various machines. As my hearing sharpened, a monotonous shrill sound came from one of the machines, accompanied by a long line running across the screen. Doctors scrambled around the bed.

          _Someone’s dying._

“Dean!” I automatically screamed. My throat got tight as tears began to flow from the inner corners of my eyes. “Is he dead? What’s happening?” I screamed. Everyone ignored me. “Hello?!” I screamed again.

          I heard a gruff voice thick with fatigue and anxiety enter the room. “No, no no!” Dean screamed, running into the room, grabbing the closest doctor and trying to push them out of the way to get to the bed.

          “Dean, please, stop!” I heard Sam follow in. He tried to grab on to Dean, but he was tangled with the doctors.

          A nurse ran past me and picked up a phone. “We need security please,” she calmly stated.

          “Dean, please stop, come on!” I begged. He continued to fight through the doctors to the bed, his face turning red and tears streaming down his cheeks. He just kept saying no, no. No.

          _But Sam’s right here. Who’s on the bed?_

          “Sam, just stop trying to grab him, please it’s just causing more problems,” I tried to reason with him. He just continued to grab at Dean, never looking towards me or even acknowledging me.

          “Sir, please, calm down,” a doctor tried to reason. Two guards pushed through the doors, one grabbing Sam, the other Dean. I could see through the glass that Dean was still resisting in the hallway.

          “Okay,” the doctor sighed, “everyone’s out of the room. Nurses, please prepare for AED. I’m going to need gloves Grace, Molly, turn on the machine please.”

          “Uhm, excuse me, I’m still here!” I yelled, waving my hands at them. Not a single one flinched.

          A lifeless body was forced up from the shock given, and fell back down. They did another, but the line wouldn’t move. “Molly turn it up a little bit,” the doctor instructed. I heard a crack as the body’s torso convulsed off the bed and down again.

          The doctor put the controllers back in their places and sighed. “It’s over, we can’t restart the heart.” One by one, the doctors left the room; one pushing out the machine, one grabbing a clipboard writing down small annotations, two arguing over who should sit down with the brothers and ‘break the news’.

          “Wait, who died?” I asked the doctor. He continued walking, not even looking at me when I spoke to him. I was starting to become extremely frustrated with the lack of communication or ability to answer one’s questions. As the room cleared, I took a glance at the bed.

          Motionless, lifeless, still, extremely pale, with sunken eyes and white lips and plastic-looking skin, I saw myself in the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, there will be one more chapter after this, and then this one will be done. Don't worry, I have an idea for a new fic :)


	11. Moving On

          I couldn’t believe it. It was me. My body, my hair, my lifeless eyes.

          _Was I dead?_

          “I’m sorry.” I heard behind me.

          I quickly turned around, only to be met by a young woman, hair reaching to her shoulders. She truly looked sorry.

          “Wait… am I… I’m dead,” I realized.

          The reaper touched my arm to comfort me. “I’m really sorry sweetheart.”

          I heard the door open and saw Sam and Dean walk back into the room, faces stained with tears.  

          “Wait, uhh,” I turned to the reaper with a questioning look.

          “Tessa,” she responded with a smile.

          “Tessa. Can I… do we have to go right now?”

          She drew in her breath and held it for a few seconds. She rolled her eyes up while releasing it, pondering my request to stay for a few minutes. “I don’t recommend it. It’s just going to make it harder for you to leave.”

          I thought for a second, switching glances between her and my lifeless body. “Just five minutes,” I bargained.

          Tessa nodded. “Five minutes.”

          I walked over and kneeled next to Dean, who was on his knees next to my bed, holding my lifeless hand, sobbing.

          “Dean, I’ve never seen you so broken,” Sam spoke up.

          “Can I just have a little time to myself, Sammy. I’m sorry,” Dean apologized. Sam nodded and walked out of the room, meeting up with two doctors.

          I began to cry with Dean. I hated seeing people cry, but with Dean, it was a new level of pain. _He was crying… for me. Because of me._

          “Dean,” I whispered, despite the fact that he couldn’t hear me. “Dean please, don’t be sad. Please Dean. It’s better this way, you don’t have me to protect anymore, you and Sam can continue your journey.”

          _It’s better this way._ I choked up, thinking back. This was all I wanted yesterday; to be dead. To be out of the way. But seeing Dean like this, being dead was the last thing I wanted. Tears fell faster from my eyes. All I wanted was to be alive, to not make Dean feel this way.

          I placed my hand on Dean’s, only to have my arm fall through his and the bed. I continued to sob, imagining how his hand felt when I held it just a few hours back. They were rough and cracked, yet strong; encouraging.

          “Dean, you can make it through this,” I whispered.

          “I love you sweetheart,” Dean spoke.

          “I love you too,” I smiled.

          Dean turned around and rummaged through my clothing, sitting on the chair beside my bed, grabbing my shoes. He pulled the knife out of the holster inside, and pushed it inside his pocket.

          He turned back around and kneeled, grabbing my hand and laying his lips on them for a moment, then stood up.

          “Hun, we’ve got to go,” Tessa spoke up.

          I had forgotten she was standing behind us. “Okay, one more minute, then I promise we can leave.” I focused on Dean’s hand, resting on the railing beside my bed. I lifted my hand again, and with all my focus and strength, I placed my hand on his and attempted to make contact.

          Dean twitched, his eyes darting to his hand. I smiled, tightening my grip, rubbing my thumb on the back of his hand.

          Dean smiled. “It’s you.”

          Laughing, I whispered, “Yes Dean, it’s me.” I placed my other hand on his cheek, before letting go completely. His hand raised to meet where mine was, the glow leaving his eyes.  He walked towards the door and took a final glance back at my body, lying on the bed. He smiled and patted his pocket, then opened the door to embrace his brother.

          Tears filled my eyes again. They would not stop coming. “Okay Tessa, I’m ready.”

          Tessa smiled, grabbing my hand, leading me directly ahead into a hazy light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading! Please stick around, I have more wonderful fics for you guys! <3 Love you all!


	12. (Sort of) ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haha yes you thought I was done? YOU WERE WRONG. You could end this story at chapter eleven, but you could also end it with this. Whichever you prefer. Enjoy loves, a new Dean/OFC fic should be coming soon. And like always, thanks for all the support <3 :)

Darkness covered my eyes once again, and my eyelids felt extremely heavy, soft material sticking close all over my body. I felt small wet sensations glide across my skin to my hairline, a quiet beeping sound echoing in my ears. I felt lightheaded, and I noticed my breathing was heavy and rapid.

          “Why is she sweating so much?” I heard a worried voice speak.

          “Not sure, she may be dreaming, she might be really hot,” another voice answered. The voice quietly chuckled.

          “Yeah, not a good time to be funny, doctor,” a third voice chimed in. “We’re really worried about her.”

          “Yes, I can tell,” the doctor’s voice rang, “especially this one.”

          “Well… I mean…,” the first voice stammered, an angry tone thick in his voice.

          “She’s fine, I guarantee you. She’s probably just dreaming, reliving the car accident that just happened with you two, or possibly something else she’s afraid of. When people go through these traumatic things, they sometimes deal with it by dreaming those terrifying things, or as I said earlier, something else that may be possibly traumatizing her. The body reacts by releasing fluids through sweat glands and the breathing picks up. Kind of like when you’re on an adrenaline rush. It’s nothing to worry about, she may need some counseling when she’s better, but there’s nothing you can do about it now except let the dream end and let her wake up. I’ll be back to check on her once she wakes up.”

          An audible sigh rung out from someone’s mouth, and I heard a door click closed.

          “Dean, at least she’s alive. She almost didn’t make it man.”

          Chairs creaked. I tried to focus on my breath, attempting to calm myself down from my nightmare. I thought through what the doctor said. _Or possibly something else she’s afraid of._ I didn’t dream about the demon almost killing me, I dreamt of being dead. I dreamt of Dean being without me, being afraid to see me no longer living, me not being with Dean.

          _I really care about this guy_ , I thought. It seemed he really cared about me.

          The vague beeping slowed its pace as my breathing returned to normal. My head felt its regular weight, and in turn, my eyelids felt light as a feather. I slowly peeked out and saw the stark white ceilings I witnessed in my dream. I turned my head slowly and raised my arm to wipe the sweat from my forehead, but the IV snagged and tore my skin slightly. I groaned in pain.

          “Dean!” I heard Sam exclaim.

          Jumping from his chair, Dean ran over to the left side of my bed, bewilderment ever so present in his green eyes. “You’re awake! Oh my goodness you’re awake! You’re alive!”

          Careful not to bump any of the wires or various needles in my body, Dean gently wrapped his arms around me and brought his forehead to mine. His hands moved up to hold my face as he laid his lips on mine.

          I felt tears fall on my cheeks and opened my eyes to see Dean’s spilling over. “I love you, I love you, I was so scared. I love you,” he repeated.

          “I love you,” I whispered back.

          “Okay cut it out, move, I wanna see her,” Sam pushed his way in front of Dean, leaning over to give me a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. “I’m really glad you’re okay,” he said, straightening his tall frame, “and I’m so sorry for what happened, honestly.”

          I smiled, the right side of my face feeling extremely tight. I lifted my hand up to my cheek and felt a large gash and multiple stitches lining the side.

          “You’re really banged up there, sweetheart,” Dean chuckled.

          “I’m just glad we’re all okay,” I responded.

          “Well, uhm, I should probably go get the doctor,” Sam volunteered.

          As he left, Dean leaned down again and placed another kiss on my lips, putting his hand gently on my stomach. “I really do love you.”

          I looked up at him, tears welling up in my eyes now. “I really do love you too. Dean I’m scared, but I trust you. I really do.”

          A small smile stretched across his lips. “Thank you.”

          “Dean,” I whispered.

          “Hmmm?”

          “I…I did have a nightmare, like what the doctor said.”

          “About the demon again, huh? Don’t worry, we’re gonna get him and..”

          “No Dean,” I interrupted. “I dreamt I was dead. I saw my dead body lying on the bed here. There were doctors all around, and they couldn’t save me. I saw a reaper and everything, they took me to, well, I’m not sure where they took me. But before they took me, I asked for more time. More time with you. And, well, I saw you when I left. You looked sad, but you smiled at the same time. I mean, would it really be that big of a deal if I died? You’d just go on living and hunting, doing what you did…before me.” I lowered my eyes, embarrassed that I felt the need to ask how true his feelings were right then and there.

          “Well,” Dean started, “I’d definitely be really sad, but I’d also know that you were better off. Not in pain anymore, not in a situation where you could get hurt, where I couldn’t protect you. But honey, nothing would be the same without you. Everything would be different. I love you, I love having you along with us.  You’ve changed me. You’ve changed Sam. So yes, I’m glad you’re still here with me, and honestly, I would, eventually might I add, be okay if you did die, but it’s because you’d be happy. Not me, that’s not what I’m worried about. I want you to be happy.”

          “I am, Dean,” I reassured him. “You’re here.”


End file.
